Q&A: Nearly Every Human On This Earth Has a Complicated Relationship With Sex
Don't believe me? Ask around.
Q: My ex used sex to help her feel better when she wasn’t feeling good, and set expectations for me to perform when I was in a bad headspace or not in the mood. My new partner seems to value it more and isn’t wanting to rush into it. How can I revalue sex and build a healthy sexual relationship?
Let’s set some ground rules, for everyone reading:
It is absolutely not ok to expect someone to perform, ever. Humans are not personal objects for stress relief (you’ll learn more about this when I answer a question about trauma bonds). Humans have emotions, and treating them like objects can lead to significant harm.
Sex with a partner is not an appropriate form of stress relief. If you want to relieve stress with sex, then fuck a stranger. Sex with your partner should originate from a place of warmth and connection, not stress.
I hate to break it to you, but the hot and steamy make-up sex you’ve seen in movies is total bullshit. If you’ve ever tried to have sex with a partner that you were mad at, then you know this. It is nearly impossible to settle into the moment and enjoy the sex if you are seething with anger, or worse—hurt. The sex becomes animalistic, but in a scary, aggressive way… not in a fun, take control of me way.
Ask anyone in the BDSM community if they engage with impact or power play from a place of hatred, or anger. They will scoff so significantly that you’ll walk away wanting to tuck your tail between your legs.
Let me also highlight something really, really important: nearly every human on this Earth has a complicated relationship with sex. There, I said it. We all struggle with sex in some way or another. You might be thinking, “But, Laura… why does this matter?” Because we cannot truly enjoy sex until we heal our relationship with it.
Now, back to the original question: how can I revalue sex and build a healthy sexual relationship?
Focus on enjoying it. Shift the focus from the end result to the present moment. Contrary to almost everything we’ve ever learned about sex, the goal is not to climax—that is merely a fun byproduct. Your goal should be pleasure, which is experienced from start to finish, regardless of climax. Be present. Lean into anything and everything that feels good. Have fun. Experiment. Allow yourself to truly connect with your partner.
Also: if it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it. By saying no, you are reminding yourself that you have autonomy, and thus healing your relationship with sex. If you have to reject sex because you are not in the right headspace, ask your partner, “What can we do instead that can help us feel more connected right now?” By following up with a new activity, you are honoring your autonomy, and simultaneously maintaining your relationship with your partner.
Q: What is some good advice for someone who is not good at setting boundaries, and feels bad making them to begin with?
Repeat after me: boundaries 👏 create 👏 safety 👏
One more: I 👏 deserve 👏 to feel 👏 safe 👏
Repeat those two phrases every time you set a boundary. Repeat them again when someone challenges that boundary. Then again when you feel bad about the boundary.
Ask yourself, “why do I feel bad when I set a boundary?” Odds are, your response has more to do with protecting them than yourself. Some common responses I hear from clients:
This person relies on me to XYZ
I know how much this person is struggling
Sometimes it’s just easier to XYZ than to not
Shift your focus back to yourself. This is your life, not theirs. No one should disrupt your peace, let alone make you feel bad about trying to protect it.
Q: How does one prevent trauma bonding? And how does one have a healthy relationship when used to trauma bonding?
Ask yourself: what purpose does this person serve in my life? If you rely on them primarily for emotional support, consider what your mental health might look like without them. If you anticipate a sudden decline in your mental health, then this might be a trauma bond.
While it is ok and totally natural to connect over shared experiences, it is not ok to rely on another human for your own emotional wellbeing. Shift your attention from the relationship to your own mental health and wellness by going to therapy and practicing self-care.
Q: My brother and I haven’t had the best of relations. But our (single) mother passed away recently and I want to mend our relationship. Could you suggest any activities or resources that can help in the journey?
I refer to Whitney all the time when followers approach me about family. Whitney is an expert on family relations, specifically with regard to complicated relationships. She shares incredible (and free) content on her blog and Instagram that might support you in this journey.
In the meantime, I encourage you to approach the mend with low-stakes, face-to-face events. Examples: grabbing coffee, sitting in the park, etc.; keeping events “light” will allow you to focus more on the depth of your relationship by freeing up enough of your attention needed to talk. Sitting down for a meal might lead someone to feel trapped in the interaction, which causes attention to shift internally, and ultimately takes away from the primary focus of rebuilding your relationship.
Remember: family is tough. We’re often born into a family system with opposing personalities, belief systems, and lifestyles, yet expected to coexist in harmony. Give yourself credit for wanting to repair the relationship with your brother. I am certainly proud of you, and you should be, too!
See if you can identify specific issues that perpetuate distance between you and your brother, like difficulty repairing after conflict. These issues often involve concrete skills that can be developed over time with adequate support. I encourage you both to work with a family therapist. Even just a few sessions can transform a relationship.
Hang in there—you’ve got this!