Q&A: If He Wants to Let Go of The Relationship, Let Him
Separation actually creates space for something that is better fit for you.
Q: How to cope with a guy saying there’s no spark after a few weeks of talking and regular dates and sex? What changed? I know I just have to let go, but the rejection stings.
His feelings changed—that’s natural. Sparks fly when dopamine and serotonin surge. This is the bliss we experience during the “honeymoon” stage. When things finally cool down, it’s common to realize the connection isn’t as strong as you initially felt.
Rejection is difficult. You’re trying to make sense of what happened to soothe the disappointment result from rejection. Validate your emotions—you just experienced something upsetting, and allow yourself to feel that hurt. Then focus your attention on the future as you move forward. Ask yourself:
What kind of partner am I looking for? What qualities do they embody?
What kind of partner do I want to be in my next relationship? Do I currently possess those qualities, or do I need to commit to some self-work?
Q: My boyfriend’s step-mom once told him the family is going for lunch but it’s “immediate family only,” which meant not me. What do you think the right thing to do should have been?
There is no “right” or “wrong.” His step-mom is an adult and is allowed to make any decision that she wants. However, if you were hurt, communicate this to your partner.
“Hey, I know your step-mom wasn’t intentionally trying to hurt me, but I felt disappointed when I wasn’t invited to lunch. Can you help me understand why it was limited to immediate family only, or why I wasn’t considered immediate family as your partner?”
For all you know, they could have been discussing personal family matters at this lunch. Do not assume you weren’t wanted there. Give your partner an opportunity to validate your emotions and explain.
Q: 11 years in relationship, long distance at the moment. Things coming up that weren’t expressed before. The last year was intense. Three days now on a break, occasionally texting. I feel we need to let go of patterns that we weren’t aware of. I fear the choice he might make to let go of the relationship. How do I navigate this?
If he wants to let go of the relationship, let him. He is one half of your relationship and he is allowed to make a decision that is best for him, even if that decision does not benefit you. If it’s meant to be, you will find one another again.
Trying to force something that isn’t working will only lead to a greater disconnect. Let the emotion settle with time. You’ve been together for 11 years. That is a lot of history. Sometimes, time apart is needed to find clarity.
Eventually, have a conversation about individual goals (e.g. staying together or separating, your vision for the future, etc.) and notice if your goals are aligned. If they’re not, you know what happens next.
Q: Is it ok to be friends with benefits when you want a relationship? It feels good to spend at least a few good moments with the person you love… he is ready for everything except commitment… it goes against my morality, but I just can’t let go of this connection.
You’re holding onto the potential, or what “could be.” He told you he cannot commit. You are looking for commitment. You both want different things. If it violates your morals, why are you engaging in it? You know what to do. Trust your intuition.
Q: Talked with a girl for a couple of months, went out on a first date, made plans for a second and she slow ghosted me so the second date never happened. Recently saw her back on the dating apps. Is there a time frame when it’s “too soon” to try rematching? How long should I wait to try again, if ever?
If you went on a date and then she ghosted, she isn’t interested. You deserve honest communication, and she couldn’t give that to you. Move on. There are so many amazing humans out there who are ready to connect with you on a deeper level.
Have a question?
Every week, I answer Q’s about dating, relationships, sex, and mental health in a live series called Coffee Q's on IG stories. Tune in every Thursday at 9am EST on @lauracaruso.therapy.
Note: I open up a link for followers to submit anonymous questions every Wednesday. The link is shared to my story every week.