Q&A: Keep Your Head Up and Your Heart Open
Healing requires conscious and intentional effort. You can't simply WANT to heal and expect that it will happen. Healing is self-motivated. It is the act of reclaiming control over one's life.
Q: My thoughts jump to why my ex was the only one for me but logically I know that is not true. How can I move on?
This is natural! Our nervous system craves familiarity, while separation uproots all that is “familiar.” Your thought patterns are leading you to recreate comfort.
I encourage you to ground yourself in reality. Visualize your ideal partner; notice their qualities, core values, etc., and ask yourself how you feel when you are around this ideal person. Now check back in with your past relationship—does your ex align with this ideal vision? Probably not.
Create a running list in your head of all the reasons why you are better off moving forward. Pick up a new hobby, set goals, and keep your head up and your heart open.
Q: I want to tell my boyfriend I struggle with unaliving thoughts but I don’t want him to freak out because I don’t have any intention to. Should I have this conversation?
Ask yourself, “What are my intentions for this conversation? What do I need from my partner?” and lead with this information. For example, if you simply want him to listen as you confide in him, start by saying, “I know this may be difficult to hear, but please know that—right now—I just want you to listen. I don’t need advice or solutions. I just need you to listen.”
You can also explain to him that SI is actually more common than most people think, and only becomes a concern when a plan and intention to attempt suicide develops. Familiarize yourself and your partner with a “ladder-up” risk assessment to check in when SI increases:
Are you having thoughts of suicide? If yes, continue. If no, stop.
Plan: Do you have a plan for completing suicide? If yes, clarify the plan. If no, stop.
Means: Do you have access to what you would use to attempt suicide? If yes, move to the next question. If no, stop.
Timeframe: Do you have a time planned to take your life? If yes, call 9-1-1. If no, stop, and seek outpatient support from a mental health professional.
Some resources to support you:
Call/text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline
Text HOME to 741741 to reach Crisis Text Line for free, 24/7 support via text message
FREE online training for anyone experiencing suicidal thoughts, substance, or mental health challenges (or for family members and friends of someone who is struggling) through Now Matters Now. Check out their flyer.
For reassurance, “10 Things We Wish We Knew: People In Recovery From Suicidal Experiences Share What They’d Say To Themselves Now” (see here)
Stop, Drop, & Roll strategy for when you’re on emotional fire (see here)
Calm Harm app for anyone “riding the urge wave” of self-harm
Safety planning for future reference (see here)
Q: My guy best friend stopped talking to me suddenly. It wasn’t abrupt but he slowly drifted out of my life. When I talked to him about why he did so, he replied his girlfriend doesn’t like him being friends with me as I had inflicted serious trauma to her during our school days. I chose to understand him as I didn’t want to put him in a spot. I told him that I was open to talk it out to his girlfriend, even apologize if necessary. But she wasn’t open. However, he hasn’t told that we’re no longer talking to our other friends and continues to act as if nothing has happened when all of us hangout together. I however always feel confused after every such interaction. I can’t accept that I can no longer call him a friend. I don’t know how to behave now with our friend group.
I hear a lot of confusion and frustration, but very little accountability for your own role in the situation. Apologizing to his girlfriend is the right thing to do, but if serious trauma was inflicted, then an apology won’t change anything—you deeply hurt someone, and you are responsible for the repercussions.
In the meantime, the best thing you can do is self-reflect and actively work to better yourself. Lean into vulnerability. Surround yourself with people who support your growth. Move forward and become the person you want to be.
Remember: everyone has a choice in who they surround themself with. Your friend made his choice, and that needs to be respected.
Have a question?
Every week, I answer Q’s about dating, relationships, sex, and mental health in a live series called Coffee Q's on IG stories. Tune in every Thursday at 8am EST on @lauracaruso.therapy.
Note: I open up a link for followers to submit anonymous questions every Wednesday. The link is shared to my story every week.