Q&A: Anxiously Attached Humans Form Pseudo-Attachments With Others As A Result of Deep-Rooted Insecurity
The attachment is not for the person, but for the purpose that person serves in their life (ex: validating they are “good enough” for someone).
Q: How to just enjoy dating without needing reassurance of where it’s been going or what it is? Been dating a guy for four months.
If you require reassurance after four months, then the relationship likely isn’t going anywhere. The significant difference between “taking it slow” and avoidance is communication. Couples wanting to take it slow are actively communicating about the gradual progression of the relationship. Couples wanting to avoid difficult conversations around commitment will label the dynamic as “taking it slow,” then refuse to acknowledge its progression until it implodes.
Note: it is very common for anxiously attached partners to get caught up in this cycle of failed relationships. Ask yourself, “Why is the reassurance important to me? What thoughts and emotions am I trying to resolve? How does this awareness feel for me?”
Q: Recently (four months ago) was dumped from a four-year relationship. I’m not fully over it but also miss having a partner. Don’t feel motivated to date but also feel lonely and want to “get back out there.” What do I do?
Sit with the loneliness. If you are dating from a position of loneliness, then you are dating for the wrong reasons. I encourage you to utilize this time for self-work.
Simply missing partnership is not a reason to date. Ask yourself, “Am I truly comfortable with being alone?” Oftentimes, we begin to attach our identity and self-worth to our relationships—especially in a long-term commitment. Use this time to redefine your Self relationship and create the new version of you post-separation.
Q: What’s a reasonable age gap in a relationship?
I’m curious to learn more about the meaning that you would attach to my response. If I give an exact number, like “5 years maximum,” does that change anything for you? If I provide a more vague response, like, “age is only a number,” what thoughts follow this feedback?
Check in with fear of judgment and perceptions from others.
Q: How can a person who has an anxious attachment style date multiple people simultaneously when they want something serious? Won’t they get attached to all of the people they are dating or get too attached to one person prematurely?
First, wanting a serious relationship does not translate to immediate monogamy. It is necessary to slow down and take time getting to know someone before fully committing to a relationship.
Second, anxiously attached humans form pseudo-attachments with others as a result of deep-rooted, and often subconscious, insecurity. The attachment is not for the person, but for the purpose that person serves in their life (ex: validating they are “good enough” for someone).
Regardless, attachment style does not determine capability when dating. Anything is possible with consistent self-reflection.
Q: My boyfriend (28M) of three years wants to move in together, get married and have a baby. I (32F) already have a kid (6M) and also want those things except for the baby, but he keeps changing his mind about it every couple of months and I don’t know what to do. I don’t really mind staying at where we are now (dating) but it bothers me that he hypes me up one minute and cools me down the other, also him wanting a baby is stressing me out because he feels it’s unfair that I’m the only one who gets to decide if we get pregnant or not. I’ve considered breaking up, but we love each other very much. So now I don’t know if we should work things out or break up. I’ve decided to give up on the moving in/getting married thing because it doesn’t really matter to me, but he talks about it like it’s a plan.
His feelings are valid—he does have a say in whether or not he has a baby with a partner; however, because you’ve clearly communicated that you do not want to have another baby, he then is responsible for finding a partner who can fulfill those desires.
Love is not enough. To build a sustainable relationship, couples need to align in values and expectations for the future. If one partner wants a baby but the other does not, then expectations for the future are misaligned, and the relationship is not a good fit.
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Every week, I answer Q’s about dating, relationships, sex, and mental health in a live series called Coffee Q's on IG stories. Tune in every Thursday at 9am EST on @lauracaruso.therapy.
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