Q&A: Become The Chooser, Not The One Hoping to Be Chosen
Are You Operating From a Place of Desire and *Hoping* It All Works Out?
Q: Why am I always in last place in someone’s choices?
Let’s flip the script: why are you repeatedly pursuing people who choose others? Are you exploring connections with people who share similar values, belief systems, and expectations, or are you operating from a place of desire and *hoping* it all works out?
We cannot place blame on others; we must first look inward and ask why we find ourselves in these situations. Through introspection, you can explore your ideal relationship. You’ll need clarification to date with intention and purpose, which will drastically elevate your love life. Suddenly, you become the chooser—not the one hoping to be chosen.
Q: Is a person who texts you once a day or two days really that busy or just not interested that much?
Frequency of communication varies by factors that extend way beyond availability. Communication is influenced by personal preference, past experiences, and more. Instead of reading into the lack and equating it to interest, clear up the confusion by initiating a conversation about personal preference in dating and relationships.
Start with something along the lines of, “I prefer to check-in once a day (or a frequency that aligns with your own preferences). What does communication typically look like for you while getting to know someone?”
When you fall into the pattern of over-analyzing, you create fictitious scenarios in your mind and attach weighted emotion to the false narratives. Go right to the source. If communication is truly a priority for you, then initiate the difficult conversations.
Q: My partner and I have been in a happy/healthy relationship for almost a year. It got brought to my attention that he messaged another girl on a night he was out and got very drunk. He claims he’s super happy with me and alcohol may have brought out an old side of him. How do I process and proceed?
I’d like you to read the following two statements and notice your physical response to both of them (separately). Drop into the body and explore any sensations that come up after reading each sentence.
I messaged a girl when I was drunk. The alcohol brought out an old side of me, but I’m super happy with you.
I messaged a girl when I was drunk. It reminded me of behavior in my past, and I regret doing it. I am happy with you and my actions do not reflect dissatisfaction, but I understand this might compromise trust.
We can place blame on an array of situations that detract from consciousness: intoxication, stress, ignorance, etc.; however, none of these conditions excuse behavior. The impact should be your main focus. If him messaging another girl was upsetting to you, or if it reduced trust in the relationship, then effective communication and repair is necessary to move forward.
Remember: we must approach conflict from a place of empathy, not defense. The second statement was empathetic, whereas the first was defensive.
Q: My boyfriend thinks therapy is stupid. How do I get him to get help?
First, consider why you are with someone who communicates their opinion in such a way that creates shame about something you believe in. He does not need to agree with you, but he does need to communicate this disconnect with respect.
Explore the extent to which you require self-improvement in your own life and in your partner’s life. Individual growth ultimately allows the relationship to prosper. Without growth, the relationship will remain stagnant. Also, if one person commits to self-improvement while the other does not, a disconnect will form and will continue to fester until it is addressed.
Therapy is not the only form of self-improvement. Psychology and self-help books can help someone acquire new skills and shift perspective. Journaling or meditation can strengthen introspection. Start by asking your partner what his understanding of self-improvement is and explore how he commits to the growth process without projecting your own beliefs about therapy. Be curious, open, and patient.
Q: My boyfriend’s brother did an unspeakable crime and gets out of prison in a few months. I want to support my boyfriend but the crime his brother committed brings up a lot of trauma from my past. How do I support him while also protecting my mental health?
Through an open line of communication, honesty, and boundaries. You can not navigate this situation without all three. Lean into “I feel” statements to communicate your perspective. Example: “I feel [emotion] about your brother’s upcoming release from prison. Can we talk about that?” Once all emotions are out in the open, you can shift the conversation towards limitations, followed solution-focused dialogue.
Discuss your limits with regard to his release. Explore what interaction with his brother might look like, and where/when you draw a hard line. Deeper understanding of your limits will allow you to set boundaries in the solution-focused stage of communication. Remember: boundaries are for you, not for others. Instead of “Your brother cannot XYZ,” try, “I am not comfortable with XYZ, and I will leave the event if this occurs.”
You cannot control your partner’s desires or limitations. If your partner wants to interact with his brother more than you do, that’s ok. You can participate to the extent of your comfortability, and so can he (your partner). You do not need to agree or align during this transition. You simply need to respect each other’s wishes and provide support as emotions arise. And, trust me, intense emotions will arise.
If I didn’t get to your question, don’t worry—all questions are saved for an exciting project happening in the near future. But more on that later 🤫
Have a question?
Every week, I answer Q’s about dating, relationships, sex, and mental health in a live series called Coffee Q's on IG stories. Tune in every Thursday at 9am EST on @lauracaruso.therapy.
Note: I open up a link for followers to submit anonymous questions every Wednesday. The link is shared to my story every week.