Q&A: I Feel _____ When You _____
"I feel" statements shift the focus from placing blame to finding solutions. It helps prevent the conversation from turning into a heated argument or a series of personal attacks.
Q: How to deal when being empathetic isn’t reciprocated?
Empathy is a skill, like any other. Some of us never receive empathy during childhood, and thus struggle to express it in adulthood; however, this is not a “get out of jail free” card—empathy is necessary in every relationship because it allows us to connect with and understand our partner’s emotions, which builds emotional intimacy. It also enables effective communication by helping us listen and understand our partner's perspective.
Start by sharing your experience. Use the phrase, “I feel ______ when you ______.” For example, if your partner is generating solutions and trying to solve your problems instead of simply listening, you might say something along the lines of, “I feel unheard when you jump into problem-solving mode.”
Follow this up with a need. Do you need your partner to listen more without trying to solve the problem? Do you need your partner to validate your experiences? Give them concrete skills to work on (ex: active listening, validation, reflective statements) so they can digest this information within the context of their own self-improvement practices, like therapy, and begin to strengthen their skills.
Q: How to break the cycle of self-pity?
Self-pity arises in the “victim mentality.” This is connected to locus of control.
Internal locus of control: Individuals with an internal locus of control believe that they have a significant influence over the outcomes in their lives. They believe that their actions, choices, and efforts directly impact the results they achieve. They tend to take responsibility for their actions and believe they can change their circumstances through their own efforts.
External locus of control: Individuals with an external locus of control believe that external factors, such as luck, fate, or powerful others, have a greater influence on their lives. They feel that they have limited control over the outcomes and that their actions have little impact. They may attribute their successes or failures to external circumstances rather than their own abilities or efforts.
People with an external locus of control are more prone to adopting a victim mentality. They perceive themselves as victims of circumstances and tend to believe that life happens to them rather than being in control of their own lives. They may constantly blame external factors or others for their problems and feel powerless to change their situations. This mindset can lead to a sense of victimhood and a lack of personal agency.
Self-pity often arises when individuals adopt a victim mentality and feel sorry for themselves due to perceived hardships or unfair treatment. It involves a strong focus on one's own suffering, dwelling on negative emotions, and seeking validation or sympathy from others. Those with an external locus of control may be more prone to engaging in self-pity because they perceive themselves as helpless victims of circumstances beyond their control.
However, developing an internal locus of control, where individuals recognize their ability to influence their own lives, can help combat the victim mentality and self-pity. Cultivating a sense of personal responsibility, resilience, and proactive behavior empowers individuals to take control of their lives, overcome challenges, and seek constructive solutions rather than dwelling on self-pity or feelings of helplessness.
When you begin to feel out of control, look for the few things you can control. For example, if your partner leaves you and you find yourself navigating a breakup, shift your focus from “they left me” and “I’m alone” to “this is an opportunity to strengthen my relationship with myself,” and do that. Initiate conscious action to strengthen the Self relationship and ultimately improve your life. Doing so does not negate or invalidate the difficulty of the separation—it just pulls you out of the self-pity spiral when the grief begins to overwhelm you.
Q: How to deal with rejections while applying for jobs?
Rejection is, unfortunately, a common result of the job search. You are not alone. Remember that many of your friends, peers, and family have experienced similar disappointment in their careers.
Acknowledge your emotions: It's natural to feel disappointed, frustrated, or discouraged after being rejected. Allow yourself to experience these emotions and give yourself time to process them. Recognize that rejection is not a reflection of your worth as a person, but rather a part of the job market (and the shit economy).
Seek feedback: If possible, reach out to the employer or hiring manager for feedback on why you were not selected for the position. Constructive feedback can provide valuable insights into areas where you can improve or enhance your skills and qualifications. However, keep in mind that not all employers provide feedback, and it's important to be prepared for that possibility.
Learn from the experience: Use rejection as an opportunity for self-reflection and growth. Assess your application materials, interview performance, and overall job search strategy. Consider whether there are areas you can enhance, such as updating your resume, improving your interview skills, or acquiring additional qualifications. Use the feedback received, if any, to make targeted improvements.
Maintain a positive mindset: It's crucial to maintain a positive outlook and stay motivated despite rejection. Remind yourself of your strengths, achievements, and the value you can bring to an organization. Surround yourself with a supportive network of friends, family, or mentors who can provide encouragement and help you stay focused on your job search goals.
Practice self-care: Taking care of your well-being during the job search process is essential. Engage in activities that help you relax, reduce stress, and maintain a positive mindset. Exercise, spend time with loved ones, pursue hobbies, and practice self-care techniques such as meditation or journaling. Taking care of yourself will boost your resilience and energy levels.
Keep applying and networking: Don't let rejection deter you from continuing your job search. Keep applying to positions that align with your skills and interests. Additionally, focus on building and expanding your professional network. Networking can lead to new opportunities, valuable connections, and insights into the job market. It can also help you regain a sense of control in an otherwise helpless cycle.
Seek support: If you find it challenging to navigate the emotional impact of job rejection, consider seeking support from a career counselor, mentor, or support groups. They can offer guidance, perspective, and strategies to help you navigate the job search process more effectively.
Remember, job rejection is a common experience, and many successful individuals have faced it in their careers. Stay persistent, maintain a positive mindset, and learn from each experience to increase your chances of finding the right job opportunity for you.
Q: Can people with different religious backgrounds work?
Yes! The success of a relationship is determined by mutual respect, understanding, effective communication, shared values, and willingness to compromise. With an open line of communication, partners can practice their own religion without imposing their distinct values or beliefs onto their significant other.
Some factors for interfaith couples to consider:
Respect for differences: It is essential for partners to have respect for each other's religious beliefs and practices. This means being open-minded, willing to learn about and understand each other's faiths, and refraining from judgment or attempts to change the other person's beliefs.
Effective communication: Open and honest communication is crucial in any relationship, especially when it comes to discussing religious differences. Partners should be able to openly express their beliefs, concerns, and expectations, while also actively listening to and seeking to understand each other's perspectives.
Shared values: While partners may have different religious beliefs, it can be helpful to identify shared values that form a common ground for the relationship. These shared values can serve as a foundation for building a strong bond and making joint decisions.
Compromise and flexibility: Both partners need to be willing to compromise and find ways to accommodate each other's religious practices and traditions. This may involve discussing and establishing boundaries, finding a balance between different religious observances, and respecting each other's religious holidays or customs.
While interfaith relationships can present unique challenges, they can also offer opportunities for personal growth, increased cultural understanding, and a deepening of the bond between partners. With mutual respect, effective communication, and a willingness to embrace differences, people from different religions can build sustainable and meaningful relationships.
Q: How to overcome limerence?
The moment you start to feel an intense connection to someone to the point that it overpowers your thoughts, emotions, or behavior, you can assume it is connected to an insecure attachment. The connection is often one-sided and creates a preoccupation that can interfere with daily life and well-being.
It is possible for someone to overcome limerence. While limerence can be intense and challenging to navigate, with time, self-reflection, and active effort, individuals can work towards managing and eventually overcoming limerence. Here are some steps that can aid in the process:
Self-awareness and acceptance: Recognize and acknowledge that you are experiencing limerence. Understand that it is a temporary and intense emotional state that may not accurately reflect the reality of the situation or the other person's feelings.
Gain perspective: Work on gaining a broader perspective on the situation. Reflect on the limitations of limerence and the potential negative impact it may have on your well-being. Remind yourself of the difference between idealized infatuation and a genuine, balanced, and reciprocal relationship.
Create distance: If possible, create physical and emotional distance from the object of your limerence. Limit contact, avoid situations that intensify your feelings, and focus on other aspects of your life that bring you fulfillment and happiness.
Focus on self-growth: Use the experience of limerence as an opportunity for personal growth. Engage in self-reflection, identify areas for self-improvement, and work on developing a stronger sense of self-worth and self-confidence. Invest time and energy in activities that promote personal growth and self-care.
Challenge idealization: Recognize that your idealization of the other person may not be entirely accurate. Challenge your own thoughts and perceptions, and actively seek out more realistic perspectives on the object of your limerence. This can help bring a more balanced and grounded view of the person.
If you find it challenging to cope with the intense emotions and intrusiveness of limerence, consider seeking professional help from a therapist who can provide tailored guidance and support.
Have a question?
Every week, I answer Q’s about dating, relationships, sex, and mental health in a live series called Coffee Q's on IG stories. Tune in every Thursday at 9am EST on @lauracaruso.therapy.
Note: I open up a link for followers to submit anonymous questions every Wednesday. The link is shared to my story every week.