Q&A: It’s Ok for Someone to Stop Seeing Someone Else, Period
Neither the time nor reason is important—if someone decides they are done, they are done. There is no “right” or “wrong” in the matter.
Q: How do I know what my core values are? Questioning myself a lot.
Core values are the fundamental principles or beliefs that drive behavior, decision-making, and action. They tend to explain your “non-negotiables” in a relationship. Core values vary between people and originate from a mix of upbringing, culture, and other life experiences.
Defining your core values requires introspection and connection to your intuition. I typically encourage clients to follow the step-by-step process outlined below when determining their core values. Jot down insights as you move through the process. The notes you’ll take are particularly important—you’ll understand why as you near the end of the instructions.
Begin with your family and early upbringing. Reflect on the beliefs or principles you were raised with. Was there a “hard” yes or no to anything in your household? Did you agree with these absolutes?
Then slide into your intuition. Reflect on past experiences, relationships, etc. in which you had an uncomfortable physical reaction to someone else’s behavior. Think about these key moments and ask yourself why they didn’t sit well with you—a core value is attached to this discomfort.
Now focus on those “feel good” moments in which you felt particularly energized, motivated, joyful, authentic, fulfilled, aligned, or grateful. These moments can provide clues that will lead you to discovering your core values.
Ask yourself: are there any causes you are naturally drawn to? What about hobbies, activities, or interests? What qualities are attached to these interests?
I truly hope you followed directions and wrote down some insights as you moved through steps 1 through 4. If you didn’t, please go back and take some notes. I am sharing a list of 216 core values by Science of People for you to cross-examine. It is imperative that you take your own notes before comparing to the overwhelming list of core values. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself gravitating towards an abundance of irrelevant values on the list simply because you agree with their meaning. For example, autonomy is the fourth value on Science of the People’s list; it is a human right that I feel deeply about, but it is not a core value. I do not base my behavior, decisions, or actions around autonomy. Understanding the qualities that define your life is critical in determining your core values.
Q: How do I approach difficult subjects with my partner? I feel like he sits on the fence with things and never has a true opinion.
I recommend trying one of the following tips the next time you want to approach a difficult conversation with your partner:
Ease into the conversation. Your partner may need time to process individually before engaging in a deeper discussion—that's ok. Approach your partner and communicate to them that you'd like to discuss the situation, and ask to set a specific day/time to do so. The goal of this initial conversation is to simply schedule time to explore the issue together. As a result, your partner will feel less caught off-guard and more in control of the situation.
Start by communicating how you feel about the situation. Use the phrase "I feel _____ when you _____." When you lead with your own emotions, you naturally create a safe space to engage in uncomfortable conversation. Oftentimes, the underlying emotions cause us to place blame on our partner. This comes across as something like, "You always ______." Realistically, you cannot control your partner's behavior. You can only control how you respond to their behavior, and communicating how you feel is a great way to initiate healthy dialogue.
Check in with your perspective of the situation. Do you feel like you're battling against your partner, or are you approaching the issue as a team? Oftentimes, couples get caught in a "me vs. you" dynamic. You should always operate from a "us vs. the problem" perspective. When you come together as a team, the bitterness and resentment will naturally fade, and you'll be able to approach the conflict with more logic and less emotion.
If the lingering issue begins to stir up feelings of bitterness or resentment, externalize it. The problem should not become part of your relationship. Instead, talk about it as if it is a pesky house guest that you can't seem to get rid of. In some sense, it is a pesky house guest that you're letting stomp all over your relationship and drive you two apart. Bring silliness into the equation and allow yourselves to enjoy the process of resolving conflict.
It is common to perseverate on issues that your partner may not even think about. Reminder yourself that you are two different individuals with different sets of lived experiences. You both experience frustration and annoyance in different ways, and that's ok. Communicate to your partner that even though you're struggling with something that may not be impacting them, you'd still like their support in the matter. Even though you are two different people, your relationship operates as a single unit. When one person struggles, the other supports.
Q: My girlfriend hasn’t had many sexual partners, how do we explore new things in a way in which she remains comfortable?
I love how you’re considering her comfort throughout this process—well done. Here are some suggestions to help you both explore new experiences while prioritizing her comfort:
Open communication: Talk openly and honestly about your desires, fantasies, and boundaries. Encourage her to express her thoughts, feelings, and any concerns she may have. This dialogue will help you understand each other's expectations and limits.
Take it slow: Gradually introduce new experiences rather than diving into unfamiliar territory all at once. Start with small changes or variations and allow time for both of you to adjust and feel comfortable before moving on to more adventurous activities.
Education and research: Explore sexual topics together by reading books, articles, or reputable online resources. Educating yourselves about different activities, techniques, and concepts can help you both understand what you're interested in and what you might want to try. I recommend reading Come As You Are by Dr. Emily Nagoski to explore women’s unique sexuality and learn more about the factors that drastically improve (or deteriorate) intimacy and pleasure. You can also explore the Sex On The Table (SOTT) series. They have an Instagram account, a podcast, and more. Don’t assume you already know all there is to know about women and sex.
Consent and boundaries: Always prioritize enthusiastic consent and establish clear boundaries. Make sure both of you are comfortable with the activities you're engaging in and have the option to pause or stop at any time. Regularly check in with each other to ensure that everyone feels safe and respected.
Mutual exploration: Encourage mutual exploration by trying new things that appeal to both of you. By focusing on shared interests, you can create a space where you can experiment and grow together. This approach can help alleviate any pressure she might feel to solely accommodate your desires.
Respect her limits: Understand that everyone has different comfort levels and boundaries. If your girlfriend is not ready to explore certain activities, respect her decision and don't pressure her. It's important to move at a pace that both of you are comfortable with.
Positive reinforcement: Encourage and celebrate her willingness to try new things. Provide positive feedback, express your appreciation, and create a supportive atmosphere where she feels empowered and valued.
Remember, building trust and maintaining open communication are essential components of any healthy sexual relationship. By prioritizing your girlfriend's comfort and actively involving her in the process, you can explore new experiences together while ensuring her well-being and enjoyment.
Q: How do I get over someone ghosting me?
The short answer: time and self-care.
The long answer: acknowledge your feelings as they come up, accept that the person who ghosted you made a choice to cut off communication without explanation, and seek support. Ghosting is a choice made by the other person. It's not your fault, and you are not responsible for their decision. Avoid self-blame or questioning your worth based on their actions. While it's not your fault, take some time to reflect on the relationship and identify any patterns or red flags that you may have missed. Use this experience as an opportunity for personal growth and to learn more about your own needs and boundaries in relationships.
Healing takes time, and it's different for everyone. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship. Over time, the pain will lessen, and you will be able to move forward. Take care of your physical and emotional well-being by exercising, eating well, getting enough sleep, and practicing relaxation techniques like meditation or deep breathing. Pamper yourself with activities you enjoy or hobbies that make you feel good.
Q: I’ve had sex once, I was drunk. He asked me if I was sure if I wanted to do this. I didn’t answer. He was very rude in bed. Had a horrible experience. I felt like I was raped. Wasn’t it my fault that I didn’t say no when he asked? And because of this guilt I can’t even fully process that I was raped.
First, I am incredibly sorry this happened—you deserve to feel comfortable and safe in any situation, and what this person did was not your fault. Yes, you could have said no, but he also could have been less rude and more cognizant of your needs.
If you’re not ready to put a label on the experience, don’t. Focus on allowing yourself to feel your feelings as they come to the surface. Try to limit judgment towards yourself or your feelings. You are a human being, and anything that comes to mind is valid.
Comfort the part of you that felt they couldn’t speak up and advocate for themselves in the moment. As you begin to heal, shift your pattern of thinking towards the future:
What did I need in that moment to feel comfortable enough to speak up?
How can I communicate clear boundaries in the future?
How can I better prioritize my needs?
You will get through this. You are strong and capable and incredibly brave. Hang in there ❤️
Q: Is it okay for someone to stop seeing someone after the first date because they weren’t ready for something physical too soon?
It’s ok for someone to stop seeing someone else, period. Neither the time nor reason is important—if someone decides they are done, they are done. There is no “right” or “wrong” in the matter.
Q: How do you know if you’re a match long term? My significant other and I have been dating for over eight months and are very compatible but might be too similar and not complementary enough personality wise. We’ve admitted that we both want to keep trying and are holding on because the other person has great qualities.
Love this question! Ask yourself, “Why is it important to me that our personalities complement each other?” Maybe the answer lays less in how well you suit one another and more in your understanding of long-term compatibility.
Some of the best relationship advice I’ve ever received was, “Your life partner should be someone you’d want to sit next to for the rest of your life.”
Have a question?
Every week, I answer Q’s about dating, relationships, sex, and mental health in a live series called Coffee Q's on IG stories. Tune in every Thursday at 9am EST on @lauracaruso.therapy.
Note: I open up a link for followers to submit anonymous questions every Wednesday. The link is shared to my story every week.