Q&A: Red Flags Are the Equivalent of a “Slippery When Wet” Sign in the PNW
It Gives “No Shit, Sherlock” and Exists Solely for Liability Purposes.
Q: My ex and I have done the on and off dance for four years, deep love and friendship. How do we create something sustainable from this history?
I call this dance the “breakup, makeup, repeat” cycle. It typically arises from two scenarios: two people don’t actually want to be together and are in denial or can’t communicate this change in desire due to a fear of the unknown, or both partners have changed while the relationship remained stagnant and, as a result, are now unsure how the connection fits into their current lives.
Let’s take a look at the objective reality: if you've got a history of deep love and friendship, there might just be a chance to create something that'll stand the test of time. Lace up your tap shoes and re-choreograph the dance.
Take a moment to reflect on why the dance kept repeating in the first place. Are there any stubborn patterns or issues that kept popping up? Did your choreographer walk out when you needed them most? It's time to face those issues head-on and deal with them.
Start with communication. This is the foundation of any sustainable relationship, and the eight-count to your dance routine. Without it, you’ll wander off-track and then blame everyone else for your own distraction. Lay it all out on the table like a grand feast of emotions. Talk about what worked, what didn't, and how you both envision a future together. If you vision does not align, don’t force it.
Be mindful of the nostalgia trap. Sure, you've got a beautiful history, but it's just that—a history. Look toward the future, where the two of you can create new memories and adventures that'll make even the most epic rom-com jealous.
Here’s a dose of tough love: It's not enough to have love and friendship; you need a strong foundation to build a sustainable future. That means trust, commitment, and mutual respect. Without those pillars, your competitive dance number regresses back to your pre-k rendition of The Nutcracker.
Take it slow. Building something sustainable takes time, effort, and patience. And remember, sustainable love isn't about just staying together for the sake of it. It's about choosing each other every day, even when life throws its curveballs, and intentionally growing together when you feel yourselves start to drift apart.
If you are both willing to put in the work, to grow together, then there's a chance to turn your on-and-off into forever and ever.
Q: Biggest red flags?
Red flags are the equivalent of a “slippery when wet” sign posted on a bridge in the PNW. It gives “no shit, Sherlock” and exists solely for liability purposes. Here’s an example: if—at the start of a relationship—you notice your partner has a flirtatious way of interacting with others, you don’t get to act surprised when they cheat on you a year later. You saw the glaring and painfully obvious sign, but you chose to ignore it. You now share fault in the downfall of the relationship.
However, the tipping point that sounds the alarm bells in one person might not even raise an eyebrow in someone else. Red flags are entirely subjective. It all comes down to our individual experiences, values, and boundaries. Your list of "Oh, hell no!" might include someone who chews too loudly or still thinks it's cool to use Comic Sans in emails. And you know what? That's perfectly valid because it's your dating journey, and you get to draw the line between a deal-breaker and a silly little quirk.
You should be mindful of the fact that people tend to over-identify red flags because of past relationship baggage. That ex who ghosted you like a magician on steroids? Yeah, they might've left you seeing red.
Instead of screening for red flags, screen for values. Familiarize yourself with your own values and expectations in life, and ask yourself, “Does this person’s actions align with the vision I have for my future?”
When you notice a big feeling in response to someone’s behavior (ex: you feel frustrated in response to someone’s inconsistent communication), check in with your values. Before immediately labeling the behavior as a “red flag” and dropping the connection as a whole, notice if the behavior interferes with your expectations for the future.
If you can shift from the perspective of “they are doing X to hurt me” to “I feel ____ when they do X,” you can approach the situation with curiosity and initiate a productive conversation that just might strengthen your connection. Hint, hint.
Know thyself and trust thy instincts! Take a good look in the mirror and figure out what truly matters to you. And when you start dating, keep your radar on, but don't let it overpower the magic of getting to know someone. Give 'em a chance to show you who they are beyond those potential red flags.
Q: How to heal anxious attachment?
Here’s an unpopular truth: you cannot heal your anxious attachment. You will have an anxious attachment style for the rest of your life.
Instead of trying to “eliminate” your anxious behaviors, work with them. Recognize and accept that you tend to feel anxious in relationships. It's okay; we all have different attachment styles, and yours is a valid part of who you are.
Take the time to understand why you might have developed this attachment style. Reflect on past experiences and patterns that might have influenced how you relate to others.
Learn to set healthy boundaries in your relationships. Knowing your limits and communicating them clearly will help you feel more secure and respected.
Stay present in your interactions with others. Be aware of your emotions and reactions, and try not to let past insecurities dictate your present experiences.
Consider therapy or counseling to delve deeper into your attachment style and work through any unresolved issues. A professional can provide valuable insights and guidance.
Work on building your self-esteem and self-worth. When you believe in your value, you'll be less likely to seek constant validation from others.
Develop your sense of self and individual interests outside of relationships. Embracing your independence can ease the fear of being abandoned or neglected.
In my work with clients, I notice those with an anxious attachment style experience increased anxiety when they lack a sense of Self. Someone with a strong sense of Self is less likely to rush into a relationship or attach to a complete stranger.
Be patient. Healing takes time, and it's essential to show compassion towards yourself throughout the process. Celebrate your progress, no matter how small.
Q: What does it mean to heal your inner child or how to do it?
Ah, the inner child—the little version of you with big emotions and bigger dreams! Healing that sweet soul is like unlocking the treasure chest of self-compassion and self-discovery. It’s about reconnecting with those parts of yourself that might have experienced pain, neglect, or unmet needs during your early years, giving them a warm hug, and telling them, "I'm here for you now, and I'll take care of you."
Let’s get to the how:
Acknowledge their presence: you must first recognize that your inner child exists within you. Embrace their existence with an open heart and a willingness to understand their needs.
Listen to their story: take some quiet time to reflect on your childhood experiences and how they impacted you at that age. Ask the little versions of you how they feel about those situations. Their feelings reside in you subconsciously, so try to see if from their perspective, and not from your adult mind. Be honest with yourself about any unresolved emotions or traumas that might still affect you.
Validate their feelings: Honor your inner child's emotions, even if they seem irrational. It's all about acknowledging that those feelings were real and valid at the time. Children operate with undeveloped brains. What seems “irrational” to the adult mind is simply the result of experiencing life without a prefrontal cortex.
Offer Compassion: Be gentle and compassionate with yourself. Treat your inner child with the same kindness you'd show to a friend in need, or a child of your own.
Reparent Yourself: Imagine yourself as a loving and caring parent to your inner child. Offer the support and love they might not have received in the past.
Rewrite the Script: Challenge negative beliefs or patterns that stem from childhood experiences. Replace them with affirming and empowering thoughts.
Embrace Joy and Play: Nurture your inner child by engaging in activities that bring joy and playfulness into your life. Rediscover hobbies or interests that used to make your heart sing. Tap into the creative outlets you enjoyed as a kid, or explore avenues that were once closed off to you.
Seek Support: Consider working with a therapist or counselor who specializes in inner child work. They can provide guidance and a safe space to explore and heal.
Practice Self-Care: Prioritize self-care in your daily life. Remember that taking care of yourself is a way of caring for your inner child's needs.
Forgive Yourself: Let go of any guilt or self-blame related to past experiences. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, freeing you to move forward with love and acceptance.
Healing your inner child is an ongoing journey, but it's one that can lead you to a place of profound self-awareness and emotional liberation. Embrace that inner child with open arms, and together, you'll embark on a path of healing and growth.
Q: What exactly is somatic exercises and does it work? And can I do it by myself? Thanks!
Ahhh, somatic therapy. The “whoo whoo” doesn’t seem so “whoo” when you realize we heal through the body, not the mind. Our emotions live in our body. Our mind intellectualizes the process.
Take note of your sweaty palms, pounding chest, and shaky leg. What does all of this mean? Maybe you’re anxious, or filled with rage. Regardless of which label you attach to the experience, you’re noticing your physical sensations first. You’re not addressing your rapid heart rate with words. Saying, “It’s ok, I’m ok, everything is ok,” does nothing for the relentless sound of the bass drum radiating up from your chest cavity to your ears. Instead, you’re more likely to place your hand over your heart and take a few deep breaths, or go for a walk to ease the sensation. This is a somatic exercise.
In short, “healing through the body” means identifying the source of repressed emotion, locating it in the body, and working towards release. If you’ve ever taken a yoga class, you’ve likely heard the instructor tell you to “breathe through the tension.” This is a somatic exercise.
There’s a variety of effective somatic techniques, from shaking, to stretching, and noticing the mind-body connection. Remember, this is your personal experience. There's no right or wrong way to do it. Embrace your uniqueness and move to your own rhythm.
Start here: https://psychcentral.com/lib/somatic-therapy-exercises-for-trauma#resourcing-and-visualization
Have a question?
Every week, I answer Q’s about dating, relationships, sex, and mental health in a live series called Coffee Q's on IG stories. Tune in every Thursday at 9am EST on @lauracaruso.therapy.
Note: I open up a link for followers to submit anonymous questions every Wednesday. The link is shared to my story every week.