Q&A: Why Are You Protecting Someone Else’s Peace More Than Your Own?
Sometimes, the words we need to hear most are not the ones we WANT to hear. Check out my responses to this week's Q&A below.
Q: How do I move forward when I try to learn about my attachment style but I’m not a complete version of any of them? It gets so confusing.
Focus less on identifying your attachment style and more on learning how to manage specific behaviors you notice within the context of your relationships. A label—much like a diagnosis—is simply an umbrella term used to describe a group of characteristics, or “symptoms.” Learn about all of the different attachment styles and dive further into the information that resonates with you.
Q: Confusion in relationship between understanding, people pleasing, being submissive, and loving. How to demarcate clearly?
Key word: demarcate. Take some time to self-reflect and determine what level of effort you are comfortable with exerting in relationships, and what your threshold is for discomfort. Tap more into self-awareness; notice what feels good, what feels uncomfortable, and what feels “wrong.” Trust that your intuition will guide you.
Remember: our threshold will change as we evolve. Start with self-awareness, then allow this awareness to inform your personal boundaries.
Q: I am in a long-term relationship and can’t break up because I don’t want to hurt him and feel sorry that I lost feelings. Advice?
I say this with love: why are you protecting someone else’s peace more than your own?
An acquaintance—not even a close friend—asked me this near the end of my last relationship. It transformed my life and the ways in which I view relationships.
Protect your peace. You are the only person you are emotionally responsible for (unless you have children with brains that are not yet fully developed). Your partner is an adult and he can care for himself.
Q: I LOVE to flirt/sext while apart and my boyfriend just doesn’t, even if I try to initiate. Tips on handling this?
Talk to your partner! Get curious. Ask him what about flirting or sexting makes him uncomfortable, and explain to him that you are wanting to understand. See if you can appreciate his reasoning, even if you don’t agree with it.
Also, try to compromise. If playful banter/flirting is important to you, ask your partner to what extent is he comfortable with it? See if you guys can negotiate these actions.
If you find you are repeatedly in disagreement or misalignment with your partner, then maybe he isn’t your person.
Have a question?
Every week, I answer Q’s about dating, relationships, sex, and mental health in a live series called Coffee Q's on IG stories. Tune in every Thursday at 8am EST on @lauracaruso.therapy.
Note: I open up a link for followers to submit anonymous questions every Wednesday. The link is shared to my story every week.