Q&A: Your Ex Will Change for Someone Else
Changes in their behavior are not reflective of your value.
Q: My ex has moved on with the girl he cheated on me with. I don’t want him back and I know I deserve better but I can’t help but wonder if he’s changed or if he’ll be a better partner for her.
He will change, and he will be a better partner someday, whether it’s for her or for someone else. Everyone changes. You will also change and be a better partner for someone in the future. That is life.
We feel motivated to change when we find a partner who is better fit for us. Refusal to change in a relationship or commit to “doing the work” is reflective of the quality of the match. Stop entertaining thought spirals about your previous partner, acknowledge the hurt, and allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship. This next chapter is about you, not them.
Q: I do not appreciate how my sister is raising her child. I believe she is passing on a lot of our family trauma. How can I approach the situation?
Your sister is an adult and is responsible for her family. You are not responsible and it is not your place to interfere. Instead, focus on healing family trauma in your own life. Your sister’s child will notice your strength and, as a result, might seek you out for support or stability. Become the role model that child needs and show unconditional love and support to them without blaming or shaming your sister.
Our only job is to create a safe space for our loved ones, not to alter or change anything/anyone. Sometimes people are not equipped to do their job successfully. If you feel your sister is struggling with her own mental health, support her, but do not comment on or enmesh yourself in her parenting.
Q: I’ve been with my boyfriend nine years on and off—we moved in to my place together and it’s still stagnant after two years. He literally blames me for everything, anytime we argue he’s got a foot out the door… safe to say I need to end the cycle? Or could therapy help?
A few things that need to be addressed in order to improve the relationship: communication and attachment. Therapy can certainly help. Couple’s therapy will allow you both to learn concrete skills to strengthen your relationship while simultaneously improving your connection. Ask him if he is interested in attending couple’s therapy. If his answer is “no,” ask him if he has alternative ideas to improve the relationship. If he is not willing to generate alternative ideas, you know what to do.
Have a question?
Every week, I answer Q’s about dating, relationships, sex, and mental health in a live series called Coffee Q's on IG stories. Tune in every Thursday at 9am EST on @lauracaruso.therapy.
Note: I open up a link for followers to submit anonymous questions every Wednesday. The link is shared to my story every week.